WHEN WE BECOMES ME (Surviving the Loss of a Spouse)

If you take the word ‘WE’ and turn it upside down it becomes ‘ME’. That’s pretty cool within itself; but ME can be a very lonely place.


Til’ Death Do Us Part seems like a long time away when the vows are first said. Even as the years progress, we never really want to face the fact that one day one of us will go. I believe that from the very beginning we are all in a constant state of denial.

My reference point is 37 years of a very wonderful and fulfilling relationship. Certainly there were ups and downs and in’s and out’s but we know that things occur ~~ LIFE HAPPENS! And now in reflection, the in’s and out’s and ups and downs seem very insignificant.

Initially there is this ‘Grief Process’ that we have all learned about; Shock and Denial, Pain and Guilt, Anger, Depression and the list goes on. Well, I will tell you that I discovered that these feelings and emotions do not come in any chronological order. In fact, personally, I was determined not to entertain any of them -ever-at all. Why?, because I believed that I had it all together and I knew where my husband was (resting in the arms of the Master). So that being said, why should I be angry or depressed or feel pain or guilt? NOT SO!

In my determination of not allowing myself to go through this ‘so called’ Grief Process, I soon learned that I had done myself a great disservice. To my shock and dismay all of these emotions hit me like a ton of bricks.

I heard somewhere or read somewhere that grief is like a “Roller Coaster Ride”. SO TRUE. It pulls you up, then drops you down. It twists and twirls, leaving your heart in your throat and your mind in a fog.

The life I experienced with my husband ‘Was Not A Bad Ride”, but his passing put me on that ‘Roller Coaster'. There were times when it seemed that I could finally move forward and upward. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere would come a sight or a sound or a song or a smell or an image that would remind me of my husband ~~~and the roller coaster plunges downward, and I found myself falling back to where I was.

Back to ~ It Just Can’t Be....
Back to ~ I want everything back the way it used to be....
Back to ~ I am really not ready to let go.....

All around me people are going on as if life is normal. And here I am thinking how can all of you (in your now normal, perfect world) act as if nothing happened? My husband is dead! Life can never be normal again! Well, I soon came to realize that this was not everybody elses' world, this was my world.

You may have had a similar experience. People around you are living as if everything is normal ~~ but everything is not normal for you. Your world has been turned upside down and the pain may seem unbearable. But please know, you really will get through it. When? You may ask~~~ believe me, “when” is not a factor. We all progress at different levels.

Unlike I did, allow yourself to grieve and I mean grieve however you want to (holler, scream, cry, whatever). Just allow yourself to remember and reflect however is best for you.

Don’t rush yourself and don’t allow people to rush you. Share the pain of your grief with safe people who will really listen to you and who really appreciate what you have lost. Each time you open up and share with someone (who really understands) you are little by little letting go of the hurt. And as you let go of the hurt~~ you allow healing to take place.

I have come to see that grief goes away a little at a time ~~ moment by moment, day by day ~for as long as it takes. You must focus on all that was good about your spouse and about your marriage, because I will tell you right now, most of the stuff that I got angry and upset about with my husband, I could probably put in a thimble.

Please understand, there will always be a warm spot in your heart that you can never, ever replace. But please know that your heart is big enough to love again. You will get to a point when you really will want to 'and' need to move on.

After almost six years since the loss of my husband, I finally came to a turning point in my grieving. A very dear friend re-entered my life after almost 40 years. I found myself laughing again and I felt a glimpse of joy; I was coming to realize that yes, I can make it and I am going to make it! I am ready to Rebuild ~~

Rebuilding our lives really begins at the moment that we loose our loved one. However, rebuilding doesn’t really begin in earnest until we have sifted through the majority of the feeling, memories and issues that resulted from our loss. When we have sifted and sorted through all of these feelings and emotions, only then do we have the strength and footing to begin putting our whole self back into life and looking to the future.

If you are 50+ (nor not) and looking to rebuild and/or start new relationships please visit our Social Networking Site site (What's Age Got to Do With?)
http://www. Thefiftypluscrowd.ning.com


To Your Continued Happiness!
Miss Julia, Your Personal Success Coach

Google Me ~ JuliaGrayOnLine.com